So here’s the thing. I’m fat. This isn’t me fishing for compliments, and I don’t want to hear about body issues or how people are obsessed with thinness. I know whatever number my weight happens to be at, this isn’t necessarily an accurate of my overall health. I also know that BMI doesn’t really conclusively count for much either, but it provides an estimate that’s not entirely inaccurate. I do know that given my height and weight, my BMI is now in the “obese” range. I know the reason my weight has gone up is truthfully not because I’m gaining more muscle. So, that leaves me with no other conclusion that I would be medically described as “obese” right now. I’d obviously like to change this. It’s a little disappointing…overall I’ve taken a somewhat laissez-faire approach with my diet and exercise, but I guess now it’s time for some regulation.
I hate when people say they “struggle” with their weight…I think if those people were honest with themselves, what they’re really saying is “making sacrifices was too big of a struggle for me, so I decided not to exert self-control anymore (except for the times I do, then fail again, making it feel like a ‘struggle’).” I’ve never felt as though I’ve been “struggling”…sometimes I weigh more, sometimes I weigh less. This is simply what I’ve let myself become, partly through some poverty, partly through some lack of self-control, partly through some physical disabilities, and partly through being unwilling to get off my butt at times when I didn’t have any excuse not to be active.
In all honesty, it’s taken a while for me to rack up this much weight. After being only lightly active in high school and following a DGAF diet, I got my freshman 20, hormone treatments, depression, unemployment, back problems (which would have certainly been decreased by weighing less), back injuries rendering me inactive for an extended length of time, more depression, living off of fast food for long periods of time, more hormones, more unemployment, etc. I now find myself 50lbs heavier than I was 10-15 years ago.
One goal that I didn’t necessarily start the year off with that has seem to become a theme anyway is that I don’t need to reinvent the wheel. I’ve spent a lot of my life upset that something I’ve done hasn’t turned out the way I wanted because I saw what everyone else was doing and instantly said “yeah, I don’t need to do it that way”. There’s not a good reason to try to come up with a different way to get the same results. This has been nearly as stupid and counter-productive as seeing a bunch of people with bad outcomes and thinking that if I do the same thing, my outcome would totally be different (e.g. college).
So far this is day two on a really high protein diet where I keep an eye on what macros I’m eating (which means no more getting 60%+ of my calories from carbs every day and then feeling ravenous all the time). Oddly enough, I feel absolutely WIRED. Granted, this is behind the dull hazy pain coming from my head. The overall feeling I’ve been getting is that I’m full and satisfied, but that maybe inwardly I might start tearing through all the food in the kitchen like a werewolf. I’m feeling confident though, and being pretty hardcore on a few of my food sources for the day is freeing me up for a little fun eating as well (I totally had a cupcake today and my daily requirements are not going to suffer from it). Eventually I’ll add in some exercise (maybe in a week or two…definitely not before going to AnomalyCon). I just need to adjust to my new menu planning requirements and caloric intake before creating even more of a caloric deficit (and needing to add in a little more food as well).
Also, I could really use a web project that pays about $150…I found a sweet scale that not only tells me my weight, but also my body fat percentage, heart rate, and the air quality inside my house and syncs with the WiFi and Bluetooth for phone apps. Hire me please!
